Wednesday, July 3, 2019

What's in a Name

So you might be asking yourself why this blog is called "Taking a Ten"?

You might know that I have an acting degree (because of course I do) and assume it's a reference to using this blog as a way to "take a break"...and you'd be wrong.

The title is a reference to the role-playing game Dungeons and Dragons, a game I've loved and not played enough of throughout my life, no matter how hard I try to find games to get involved in. In D&D, players make choices for their characters and then roll dice (most commonly a 20 sided die) to determine their success or failure. Taking a 10, without diving too deep, means choosing to automatically roll a 10 vs taking the chance. It is assumed that a 10 is just enough to succeed at most routine tasks.

So now you're asking why that's relevant to me? I love how inquisitive you are. I'll happily tell you.

All my life, even when I didn't know I was struggling with it, I've struggled with self-esteem. I've never felt like the people who were close to me were there because they wanted me, it was always because of something I had (a toy, a car, whatever). I never believed that people chose to spend time with me. Even family, who I know loved me, I assumed were just loving me out of obligation.

This feeling has been pervasive in my life and, while I've gotten better at quieting down that voice, it finds a way to get loud now and again. It makes it hard for me to be satisfied, to be grateful for what I have in life. It makes me feel like I'm constantly failing my son, my partner, my friends, and my family, no matter how much these people all love me.

One day I decided I wanted a new tattoo. I wanted something reflecting my enjoyment of D&D. For the longest time, I'd had the idea for a long time of getting a d20. The most common d20 tattoo is the die rolled to a 20 with some sort of exclamation of critical success and I'm not going to take anything away from those people. Good for them for positive self-talk. But it's never been my style. My style is more self-deprecating.

So my thought was the same die rolled to a 1 with a banner that says "Born to Lose". It spoke to my perception of myself as a lovable loser, but I decided, in my newfound quest to love myself more, I didn't want to permanently scar my body with a joke about how much I suck.

So I kept thinking, and I realized that my message to myself was "You are enough." I don't need to be the best at anything. Just by breathing I was deserving of love and respect from myself and from others. I was enough to be a good partner. I was enough to be a good son. A good parent. A good co-parent. A good friend. I was enough and enough is all anyone can truly hope for.

So I talked to some D&D friends, including Dale who DMed my last campaign. I asked them what number they thought symbolized a minimally successful roll of a d20. A lot of numbers went around, but Dale's answer explaining the "Taking a 10" rule (which I didn't know about at the time) was like a sledgehammer to the side of my head. I was in love with the idea and wasted no time.




So now I have a nerdy mental health tattoo motif on my forearms (more on the other tattoo another time), a motto I try to live for and a name for this new blog!

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